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| courtesy: www.chantalbrownphotography.com |
In our times one of the disturbing
cultural shifts is the rising discontent with marriage. While there is a desire
to live together, to love and form a family, we abhor marriage. In the year
2011, from the general survey sociologists brought to global attention the
doubling rate of divorces in India. Experts mark a 100% increase in the divorce
rates in India since beginning of the 21st century[1], and one in every hundred
marriages is now likely to end in divorce.[2] Though it continues to remain an urban
phenomenon hither to, it will soon catch in rural areas as women get empowered.
I am afraid today this archaic institution lives in the memories of a great
number of people for anything other than its suffocative/oppressive atmosphere.
A couple of years ago, I was
surprised to read the article “Divorce, a path to happiness” by Gayatri Reddy, Chennai Chronicle, June 24,
2011. Unlike the traditional write-ups on marriage ‘Seven suggestions for
married life’, ‘How to lead a happy married life’, ‘Ten commandments of married
life’ and so on, Reddy’s article belongs to different genre. It contrasts
two plots the joyful life of a divorced woman with the miserable death of an educated
married woman. Her conclusion therefore is to choose happiness via divorce than
suffocate to death in marriage. It purports to convince people of the right to
divorce and educate them on the ‘How to’ of it.
While initially disturbed by its
content, I responded to it writing an article titled ‘Defending Married Life’[3]. There I criticized Reddy’s
views as one-sided and over-generalizing. I blamed it for creating undue-terror
about married life. I argued that domestic violence was an 80s thing. I wrote
that but for the domestic violence the rest is to do with ego hurts which could
be resolved. I related therefore divorce to the arrogance of the rich the proud
and the selfish women/men. I thought there was no need for divorce in marriages
except in the case of unlawful events (domestic violence included). Still worse,
I believed that such discontent towards married life was disproportionate to
the good it does to the society.
But now, after the reawakening of
the ‘women factor’ in India with the 2012 Delhi gang-rape death of 23 year old
woman, I read articles that approve the argument of Reddy. I realised how
chauvinist I had been. Most marriages have favored only the male members of the
family. Often traditional marriages have been unjustly cruel to women. A battered
wife accounts her agony within marriage, I quote
In the beginning, I was young... he was
handsome. He said I was beautiful,
smart, worthy of love... made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking
joyfully together [...] our union blessed by God.
Then came the angry words...the verbal
tearing apart...Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love,
God’s or man’s.
Next came the beatings...unrelenting
violence...unceasing pain. I shouldn’t stay, but this is my husband...promised
forever. He says I derserve it ...maybe I do...if I could just be good. I feel
so alone... doesn’t God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each
night?[4]
In one of the recent articles in The Hindu,[5] Atiya Anis reports that
almost all violence against women has its link to marriage. She writes that a
majority of women are abused by their partners and almost two out of every
women murder victims were killed by their intimate partners. Further detailing
the numbers in National Crime Records she notes “a dowry death every 77th
minute, and one case of cruelty committed by either the husband or relative of
the victim, every ninth minute” in India. As I was working on this article one
of my friends called me to inform the brutality of her father towards her
mother.
Anis finds the cure for these
problems within marriage and with marriage in identifying and overcoming
patriarchy in our society which is blind to the well being of women, often
exploitative. The survey by UNICEF Global Report Card on Adolescents 2012 which
states that in India 57% of boys and 53% of girls approve that husband is
justified in hitting or beating his wife. So much is our collective mind
(society) indoctrinated into male supremacy, social institutions like family is
liable to easy suspicion to be an instrument to perpetuate it. Anis, therefore
argues it out that either we overcome patriarchy or we should break the
clutches of marriage for women to walk free as they have every right to grow in
dignity and love.
Moreover as patriarchy is founded on
discrimination and authouritarinaism it becomes an unhealthy climate for the
children. It is not just men even women poisoned with patriarchy can subdue
others to abuses and violence. Prof. K. Mathangi Ramakrishnan, working as a
chief or plastic surgery and burns in Childs Trust Medical Research Foundation,
Chennai, writes that several children are abused by being subjected to burns within
family life. She states that “Hot water scalds are common in infants and
children up to five years. Between the ages 5 and 12, they suffer punishments
by way of exposure to hot objects. Between 12 and 18, the abuses with corrosive
chemicals are increasing.”[6] We need not be reminded
about the numerous such cases that go unreported. All these make one thing
clear there is an urgent need to deconstruct marriage and through marriage the
family life.
I got a hint in one of my
interactions with an enlightened married woman that the solution for the
problem is in democratizing marriage
and family life. Thus, we should turn out into an institution where everyone
with all their rights and duties will be respected, cared and loved. Here we do not hint at a majoritarain
democracy but one that is informed by the post-modern insights of equality,
justice, peace and well-being of everyone, especially the vulnerable. I am aware this needs a further articulation
and explanations. I am convinced however that today marriages, atleast among
spouses who have obtained critical consciousness, are already evolving towards
it.
[1] Mary Dummett, “Not so Happily
ever after as Indian Divorce Rate Doubles”, http://www.bbc.co.uk/new/world-south-asia-12094360.html on 31/07/2013 and “India:
Divorces Become More Common as Romance Gains Importance”,
html://www.hufingtonpost.com/2009/04/23india-divorces-become-mor_n_190607.html
on 31/07/2013.
[2] Muneeza Naqvi, “India’s Divorce
Rate Rising”, html://www.huffintonpost.com/2011/04/12/india-divorce-rate-rise_n_848201.html
on 31/07/2013.
[4] “When I Call For Help: A
Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women”, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm on 31/07/2013.
[5] Atiya Anis, “Better Half But in Bad Shape”, The
Hindu (Chennai Edn.) 21 July, 2013.
[6] Mathangi Ramakrishnan,
“Shocking: Children Made to Walk on Fire”, The
Hindu (Chennai Edn.) 21 July, 2013.
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