MARRIAGE/FAMILY: SEEKING DECONSTRUCTION Discussion in the Context of Increasing Divorce

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In our times one of the disturbing cultural shifts is the rising discontent with marriage. While there is a desire to live together, to love and form a family, we abhor marriage. In the year 2011, from the general survey sociologists brought to global attention the doubling rate of divorces in India. Experts mark a 100% increase in the divorce rates in India since beginning of the 21^st century[1], and one in every hundred marriages is now likely to end in divorce.[2]  Though it continues to remain an urban phenomenon hither to, it will soon catch in rural areas as women get empowered. I am afraid today this archaic institution lives in the memories of a great number of people for anything other than its suffocative/oppressive atmosphere.

A couple of years ago, I was surprised to read the article “Divorce, a path to happiness” by Gayatri Reddy, Chennai Chronicle, June 24, 2011. Unlike the traditional write-ups on marriage ‘Seven suggestions for married life’, ‘How to lead a happy married life’, ‘Ten commandments of married life’ and so on, Reddy’s article belongs to different genre.  It contrasts two plots the joyful life of a divorced woman with the miserable death of an educated married woman. Her conclusion therefore is to choose happiness via divorce than suffocate to death in marriage. It purports to convince people of the right to divorce and educate them on the ‘How to’ of it.

While initially disturbed by its content, I responded to it writing an article titled ‘Defending Married Life’[3]. There I criticized Reddy’s views as one-sided and over-generalizing. I blamed it for creating undue-terror about married life. I argued that domestic violence was an 80s thing. I wrote that but for the domestic violence the rest is to do with ego hurts which could be resolved. I related therefore divorce to the arrogance of the rich the proud and the selfish women/men. I thought there was no need for divorce in marriages except in the case of unlawful events (domestic violence included). Still worse, I believed that such discontent towards married life was disproportionate to the good it does to the society.  

But now, after the reawakening of the ‘women factor’ in India with the 2012 Delhi gang-rape death of 23 year old woman, I read articles that approve the argument of Reddy. I realised how chauvinist I had been. Most marriages have favored only the male members of the family. Often traditional marriages have been unjustly cruel to women. A battered wife accounts her agony within marriage, I quote

In the beginning, I was young... he was handsome.  He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love... made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking joyfully together [...] our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words...the verbal tearing apart...Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God’s or man’s.

Next came the beatings...unrelenting violence...unceasing pain. I shouldn’t stay, but this is my husband...promised forever. He says I derserve it ...maybe I do...if I could just be good. I feel so alone... doesn’t God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?[4]

In one of the recent articles in The Hindu,[5] Atiya Anis reports that almost all violence against women has its link to marriage. She writes that a majority of women are abused by their partners and almost two out of every women murder victims were killed by their intimate partners. Further detailing the numbers in National Crime Records she notes “a dowry death every 77^th minute, and one case of cruelty committed by either the husband or relative of the victim, every ninth minute” in India. As I was working on this article one of my friends called me to inform the brutality of her father towards her mother.

Anis finds the cure for these problems within marriage and with marriage in identifying and overcoming patriarchy in our society which is blind to the well being of women, often exploitative. The survey by UNICEF Global Report Card on Adolescents 2012 which states that in India 57% of boys and 53% of girls approve that husband is justified in hitting or beating his wife. So much is our collective mind (society) indoctrinated into male supremacy, social institutions like family is liable to easy suspicion to be an instrument to perpetuate it. Anis, therefore argues it out that either we overcome patriarchy or we should break the clutches of marriage for women to walk free as they have every right to grow in dignity and love.

Moreover as patriarchy is founded on discrimination and authouritarinaism it becomes an unhealthy climate for the children. It is not just men even women poisoned with patriarchy can subdue others to abuses and violence. Prof. K. Mathangi Ramakrishnan, working as a chief or plastic surgery and burns in Childs Trust Medical Research Foundation, Chennai, writes that several children are abused by being subjected to burns within family life. She states that “Hot water scalds are common in infants and children up to five years. Between the ages 5 and 12, they suffer punishments by way of exposure to hot objects. Between 12 and 18, the abuses with corrosive chemicals are increasing.”[6] We need not be reminded about the numerous such cases that go unreported. All these make one thing clear there is an urgent need to deconstruct marriage and through marriage the family life.

I got a hint in one of my interactions with an enlightened married woman that the solution for the problem is in democratizing marriage and family life. Thus, we should turn out into an institution where everyone with all their rights and duties will be respected, cared and loved.  Here we do not hint at a majoritarain democracy but one that is informed by the post-modern insights of equality, justice, peace and well-being of everyone, especially the vulnerable.  I am aware this needs a further articulation and explanations. I am convinced however that today marriages, atleast among spouses who have obtained critical consciousness, are already evolving towards it.  

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[1] Mary Dummett, “Not so Happily ever after as Indian Divorce Rate Doubles”, http://www.bbc.co.uk/new/world-south-asia-12094360.html on 31/07/2013 and “India: Divorces Become More Common as Romance Gains Importance”, html://www.hufingtonpost.com/2009/04/23india-divorces-become-mor_n_190607.html on 31/07/2013.

[2] Muneeza Naqvi, “India’s Divorce Rate Rising”, html://www.huffintonpost.com/2011/04/12/india-divorce-rate-rise_n_848201.html on 31/07/2013.

[3] See http://sathishkumarsdb.blogspot.com/.../renewing-married-life-response-to.html

[4] “When I Call For Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women”, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm on 31/07/2013.

[5] Atiya Anis, “Better Half But in Bad Shape”, The Hindu (Chennai Edn.) 21 July, 2013.

[6] Mathangi Ramakrishnan, “Shocking: Children Made to Walk on Fire”, The Hindu (Chennai Edn.) 21 July, 2013.

WAR FOR HUMAN PERSON

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Literature, art, philosophy and religion repeatedly remind us that human life has in store much more than what common sense[1] would expect of it. In them we have a glimpse of our infinite potencies that transcend logic and reason. It is proven in the routine of revising the records about our capability in both the internal and external factors like sports, academics, philanthropy, aesthetics, technology and science. I wonder whether there can be rules for the ontological potency of human person’. With some fundamentals cleared to be on the board, I believe, we should play our game in all sincerity, love, joy and compassion for oneself and for others. We find our meaning/happiness in life, through an authentic discernment and pursuit of our game in life. Do we do that? That is the question. Does India facilitate meaningful and happy life for all her inhabitants? This is our concern.

I am curious to attempt a plain survey across the country to identify people who lead a meaningful, happy and contended life, pursuing their vocation and feel confident about it. In most cases, given the unfortunate socio-economic situations of the majority and strong prejudices on the basis of caste, creed, gender and culture, we trade ourselves for luxury, fame and conformity following the examples and approval of the majority. Those that think otherwise are handcuffed; some chose to die fighting the system, others desert it for another nation. Either ways, we fail to live our life. Either ways - benevolent or violent - the society does not let the individual breath free to live one’s life. We are at war for that freedom.  

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There are many who have dreams to take a particular course in life. It is not uncommon to find them sacrificed to our Institutions (family, society, media, education and religion), traditions which either freeze our inner voice or blind us from seeing it, and worse at time  to our fundamental  needs (food, home, shelter) that outrun our passions. Even those that dare to take the course is metamorphosed as insane, monsters of hatred, disgrace and shame to their families and society. As we dare not to face the odds, we are complacent to find meaning within four walls. We adapt the common sense. We continue to live in the ways of old - deprived of basic human rights, lacking passion, meaning and joy; unconsciously accepting it as the norm of living.

Hence there is the need to war for the freedom to realize our capabilities for a meaningful and happy life. We fight not that one day we may have the courage to break the walls following the numerous such examples in history. India has numerous such examples. But how long should we tolerate such a society? So this war is for the dawn of the day when the society may perceive the mystery of human person, our infinite potency and so render space to lead a meaningful and happy life.

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[1] ‘Common Sense’ would, in simple words, mean our normal, unconscious(uncritical) take on life, religion, human beings, culture etc., as we are brought up in our cultural-community/social-system.

ETHICS OF MASTURBATION

Recent Researches in Psychology Supports Church’s Traditional Contempt

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One of the problems of the growing generations is licentiousness allowing everything as normal, if majority take it as acceptable. The subject under discussion - ‘masturbation’ – becomes a good example. An American website from its analysis of this phenomenon among Americans note:

95%  of men admit to masturbating compared to 89% of women. For the married individuals the rate is 70% for both men and women.

Few married Christian men (60%) admit to masturbating.  Only 13% consider the practice ‘normal’.

More than 40% of male and 22 % of male admit to masturbating daily. 55% of men and 48% of women masturbate atleast once a week.

Math for final figure: number of masturbatory aged people in US: 240,052,886; average session: 12 minutes; average frequency: 62.5 percent masturbate daily; therefore 153,053,044 masturbate a day; equals 7.5 minutes of everyone’s day (or 450 seconds a day); therefore, 797,151 Americans are masturbating right now.[1]

We find, therefore gradually people saying that ‘there is nothing wrong with masturbation’, ‘there is nothing like too much of masturbation’, ‘it does not affect your sex life’ and some even promote it as a tool for a healthy living. As everything has market value. Morality is no exception. It has become tainted and goes to support the people’s likes and dislikes without objectively analyzing the issue. Amidst the storms of such ‘take it easy’ trends, Church had always remained stubborn in its severe condemnation of the any willful act of masturbation. So much so that people had accused it to have created guilt and shame about a normal physical act. But today, the recent researches show how dangerous masturbation can turn out to be for a mental and physical health accompanied by the pornography, Marnia Robinson psychologist states,

Masturbation itself is not wrong, but too shallow an understanding of how it can affect the brain may prove to be no small oversight. This error was understandable when we knew very little about how we wire our brains, when we believed shame was the only means of making masturbation a self-defeating obsession, and when supranormal sexual stimulation was not as ubiquitous—and therefore over-stimulation less commonplace (pre-Internet). Today, however, "Masturbation is normal, so don't feel ashamed" may simply not be adequate information for kids seeking answers. Innocently acquired habits can get in the way of forming healthy relationships. Is it time to set aside our codified assumptions and reopen a discussion about masturbation education with an emphasis on the importance of balance?[2]

 In another article, “Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation” she goes at length to break following famous myths: 1) Frequent masturbation prevents prostate cancer; 2) Frequent masturbation benefits your sex life; 3) Orgasm is orgasm; 4) There's no such thing as too much masturbation; and 5) You can't cut back on masturbation without harming yourself.[3] Her views are supported other neuroscientist Gary Wilson.[4] He confirms that masturbation leads to numerous neurological disorders that dysfunction our regular life. In a way, we can state that they approve Church’s extra care about the issue and its rigorous norms that condemns the act. So in this background we shall discuss the issue defining it and present church’s present stand on the issue.

Understanding Masturbation: The Phenomenon

Masturbation is sometimes called self-abuse, or onanism, and in secular textbooks, “self-pleasuring” or “solo-sex”. When the psychic stimulation takes place during sleep, it is known as nocturnal pollution. Some reserve this term for involuntary and growth related stimulations happen with children, during sleep or semi-sleep. Adult masturbation is referred by the term auto-eroticism, who for variety of reasons are driven in on self and find a substitute for real living in this symbolic and intensely frustrating behavior.  The sacred congregation for catholic education in 1974 pointed out that one of the causes of masturbation was sexual imbalance. This is further explained that loneliness is a prime mover, leading the individual into isolation, fantasy and masturbation. Loneliness is usually joined with feelings of deep self-hatred and anger. When the real world is harsh and forbidding, one turns to fantasy, and when one spends much time in a fantasy world, he becomes enslaved with sexual objects. Often the habit is compulsive, that is to say, the person is not able to control masturbatory activity inspite of great efforts to do so.[5]

Church’s Teaching on the Subject

The declaration on certain questions concerning sexual ethics says that the traditional doctrine that masturbation constitutes a grave disorder is often called into doubt or expressly denied today. Throughout Christian tradition every act of masturbation is regarded as gravely and intrinsically evil, and if performed with full knowledge and consent, it is mortal sin.[6] Yet the authours of Human Sexuality say that the widespread practice of masturbation, particularly among males, makes it difficult for moralists to continue to hold the traditional position. It is put in sharp conflict to common sense. Such moralists downplay the issue of the objective gravity of the act. Here I present some arguments of the church to defend its traditional position.

1.      Holy scripture ( Gen 38.8-10; 1 Cor 6.9; Rom 1. 24) does include in its condemnation an irresponsible use of sex, and that would certainly apply to masturbation. Even if scripture does not condemn this sin by name, “the tradition of the Church has rightly understood it to be condemned by the New Testament.

2.      The Catholic Sexual Ethics states that those accept masturbation cannot consistently regard their bodies and sexual activities as integral parts of their own selves, for these acts do not fulfill the basic human goods of mutual self giving and of procreation.

Psychologists today, support the import of the traditional doctrine of the church and are working to bring awareness about the harmful effects masturbation amidst young people.

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[1] Jeff Wyasaski, “Inforgraphic: Masturbation Facts and Statistics”, accessed from http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2011/04/18/infographic-masturbation-facts-and-statistics/ on 27.08.2013.

[2] Maria Robinson, “Right Masturbation Advice”  accessed from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201002/the-right-masturbation-advice/comments on 27.08.2013.

[3] Robinson, “Rethinking the wonders of Adult Masturbation”, accessed from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201209/rethinking-the-wonders-adult-masturbation on 27.08.2013.

[4] Gary Wilson, “Porn, Masturbation and Mojo: A Neuroscience Perspective” accessed from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201209/porn-masturbation-and-mojo-neuroscience-perspective on 27.08.2013.

[5] John F. Harvey, “Pastoral Problem of Masturbation” accessed from ebookbrowsee.net/the-pastoral-problem-of-masturbation-pdf-d25923653‎ on 27.08.2013

[6] In 1975, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith issued a Declaration on Certain Problems of Sexual Ethics, and it is this document that the Catechism of the Catholic Church quotes regarding this issue. "Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action" (CCC# 2352) Grace Mackinnon, “Masturbation: Mortal Sin”, accessed from http://catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0706.html on 27.08.2013. See also New Catholic Encyclopedia http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/PS2010/html/new_catholic_encyclopedia_masturbation.htm.